MEMOIRS OF THE 90S JAMS

I remember back in high school when we thought we knew what love is. Dumping our boyfriends just because they didn’t check on us during lunch. That sounds stupid and very immature now. But it really tore us apart. Our diaries and CD collections are evidence of this terrible heartbreak. I compiled a list of rhythm and blues songs that I used to listen to during my teenage love affairs. Feel free to add your own favourite songs on the on the comment box. Let’s reminisce about our teenage vulnerable years.

1.    Brandy - Have you ever                                                                                                                                           

Who did not cry with brandy when the track played? Oh my word I remember I used to have this record at home and trust me after school I would rush home just listen to it. So that I can be able to forgive Oscar the next day in school. You are definitely not the child of the 90s if you did not cry to this ballad.

2.    Tamia – who do you tell                                                                                                                                    

     God love is painful. I was in grade 8 and there was this fine grade 10 brother in my school. I was mad about him, I even chose to do history, because he did history. How stupid of me? I wanted to tell him so badly, but my pride wouldn’t let me. Now he is another what could have been. Who do you tell by Tamia helped me to forget about the nigger, but I still think about him today. 

3.    Destiny’s chid – say my name                                                                                                                          

How we all fought to be Beyoncé. Female rnb group was a thing in the 90s. Destiny’s child catered for my age group. Most of us sang and danced along to the track during both good and bad times. That’s when we started creating dance groups, competing with are groups such as TLC, Envogue etc. I hate the track today, because I was dumped because of it. I guess I didn’t say his name enough. 

4.    Aaliyah - 4 Page letter                                                                                                                                        

There is no way I would not include Aaliyah. 4 page letter gave birth to teenage love letters. Remember writing love letters to your man during class. There was no mix it, and Facebook then. We will always draw a red heart on the first page of the letter.  I also wrote quite a few 4 page letters thanks to Aaliyah. “I love you so much” would always be the first sentence on that letter. You all know what follows next. “I didn’t mean to hurt you”. 

5.    Britney spears – baby one more time                                                                                                                                                              

Its Britney biaaatch. No teenager will tell me they did not love Britney Spears. I wanted to be like her and started using memeza cream for complexion. I was still dating Oscar when the track was released. I couldn’t get enough of his so called love. I’m still a Britney fan. But no song of hers will still give me chills like baby one more time. 

WHICH ONE DO YOU PREFER?

In the past, age used to matter in romantical relationship. It was socially accepted that a man must be older than her spouse. The tables have turned, nowadays some women prefer men who are six to ten years younger than them, others prefer their man six to ten years older than them, while others prefer their men grey. I prefer my man grey. Let’s just say it is a good business investment. Considering that the grey man is fife-two death. As I crawl to clientele to claim what’s mine.

1.    Ben 10                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Think of how Stella got her groove back? Ben 10’s are in demand. They remind a matured older women of the teenage years she missed out on. The superpowers they possess. They use them very well in the bedroom. There are more about fun. As young as they are. They are sexually experienced. Most women prefer a ben 10, not for a long term relationship. They just want to be with them for sensual fun. Reality check! Ben 10’s are not husband material

2.    Superman                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Mr. Potential. The kind of man your parents approve off. The kind of men society accept as a husband material. The superman is very mature, successful. An ubersexual kind of a man. In touch with his feminine side, but very masculine.  They are perfect, but they are the reason most women cheat with ben 10s, most of them can’t survive a second round when having sex. There are either lazy or diabetic. He is a good husband, and a great role model to your kids, but to keep up with him, one might need a side dish.

3.    Hugh Heffner( Mr. playboy)                                                                                                                                                     

I’m still 25 just dyed my hair grey. Think of Khanyi Mbau and Theunis Crous. He is an old bachelor who doesn't want to tie the knot. Hugh Hefner has it all. Most girls are after his wallet and he does not care. Most of the time he tries to compete with the ben 10 by flaunting his valuable assets. He can get any girl he wants if the girls name her price. If you love Prada, Versace, Dolce and Gabbana Hugh Heffner is the right man for you.

     

Ladies Khetha omthandayo

PICK-UP LINES, NIGGER PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A simple, “hello mam. How are you doing? Can you spare me two minutes of your time?” will do. But know guys prefer the hard way of getting a girls attention by creating monkey pick-up lines, not even my younger sister will fall for. To their testosterone controlled mindset they seem to believe that pick-up lines are romantic, not considering how degrading they are to the opposite sex. They might work in Hollywood movies, but in reality they are actually ruining the only chance the guy has with the opposite sex. RTR collected the worst pick-up lines from the askmen website, and I must say even Bhuti Madlisa is better than what I came across.

1.    My penis just died; can I bury it in your ass?

This is wrong, honestly beyond wrong. Say this to me and you will be my ticket to the Sun City prison. It’s offensive, rude, and ratchet. Firstly you've just met me and you are telling me about your penis. Secondly that penis you telling me about now wants a taste of my behind. Do I look like Amber Rose to you? I trust hip hop wannabe to be pulling this line. Guys loose it, or you won’t get any babzing ever.

2.    My love for you is like diarrhea - I just can't keep it in.

Pheew pheew sis man. The guy probably worked hard preparing this one. Trust me the hard work would not pay off. Love is beautiful, wonderful and amazing. Diarrhea on the other had is ugly, stinky, and disgusting. How can you ever, if you are a sane human being compare the two? What happened to guys comparing love with roses, lakes, birds, angels etc. now love is compared to shit? I trust university of Johannesburg (UJ) guys to pull this one.

3.    Your dad must be a terrorist because he made a bomb.

You see why guys must watch chick flick movies, because of this pick-up line. Ever heard of a quote “a dad is a daughter’s first love”. I doubt guys have heard it, cause they hardly say it in thriller and action movies. You can never talk about the girl’s father, during your first conversation with her. How, dare you? Who are you to compare my dad to a terrorist? Let alone compare his daughter to a bomb? If you don’t want a kick in your balls loose that line. I trust military guys to say that, or ex-convicts.  

4.    If I was a fly, I'd land on you first. Because you're the shit.

Here we go again comparing me to shit. Shit may work on the girls you hook up with at Summit club, but your definition of shit does not exist in my dictionary. My Zulu- English dictionary defines shit as IKAKA. A fly feed on shit. You are telling me that you want to land on me in order to feed on me, to taste my goodies. I trust Soweto guys to use this these one. When they look at you they see shit.

5.    Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world.

A lesson guys. You do not compliment a girls behind ever, unless you are long term couple. As big and curvy the behind might be. Just save your comments about it. You might mean well, but a girl might take it as an insult. My behind is my business, and do not think I’ll go out with you after making reference to my behind. Nicki Minaj may like it and roger that. Some girls may pull a Solange Knowles on you. I trust afrotainment guys to use this one. Especially Dj Tira.

Guys please get a copy of Shakespeare sonnets, watch Titanic, and listen to Joe Thomas and Brian McKnight songs. I am telling you, you will have five dates in a week.

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-worst-pickup-lines_10.html

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON RELATIONSHIPS: HHAYIKABI, NO OFFENSE!

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON RELATIONSHIPS: HHAYIKABI, NO OFFENSE!: In the  thenthy two years I spent in  this world I bilieve I’ve seen enough guys to have my opinion about the hell no’s. One thing I love a...

HHAYIKABI, NO OFFENSE!

In the  thenthy two years I spent in  this world I bilieve I’ve seen enough guys to have my opinion about the hell no’s. One thing I love about guys is that they are not scared to express their indivisualism in any way or manner. Giving girls a variety of options to choose which guys they would like to go out on a date with. Someone they wont be scared to be seen with in public. No offense but some brothers out there are a no! no! they try to much to impress the oppositte sex. RTR compiled a list of the NO! NO! guys to date.

1.    The scrub                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Made popular by the 90s girl group TLC. The scrub refers to “a guy who thinks he's fly, and is also known as a buster. Always talking' about what he wants, and just sits on his broke ass”. He is cool, hot, wears designer clothes, but he feeds on others to stay in the game. Doesn’t have a car, but he is the noisy one on his friends car. If you hook up with him know that you are going to sleep in the basement or the backroom at his mother’s house. Commitment is not in his vocabulary, he thinks he is to fly to stick to one girl.

2.    The mama’s boy                                                                                                                                                                                        

            

Unless you did not breastfeed him as a toddler, he is not the guy for you. The mama’s boy either stays with his mom at his mama’s place, or he has an apartment but stays with his mom. He is that type of a guy, most girls dream about. He is romantic, down to earth, respect you, and accept you with your dirty laundry or baggage. When they love, they love so real. The only problem is that his mama is the first lady, you will always take the second position. Unless you do not mind sharing a bed with your man and his mother, the mama’s boy is for you.

3.    Mr. Big Stuff                                                                                                                                                                                                

Arrogant, demanding, and controlling. Mr. big stuff has it all, drives a fine car, stays in a mansion, presentable, and very handsome. He is a CEO or director in the mineral or technology sector. He flowers the opposite sex with gifts, with the intention of buying them. He treats you the same way he treats his employees. Once his done showering you with expensive gifts, he controls how you dress, who you talk to, which events to attend, and who to befriend. You are basically his trophy wife, he pays your credit cards if you abide his authority.

4.    Sis Dolly                                                                                                                                                                                  

Emotional, perfectionist, and apologetic. Most girls are attracted to guys who are in touch with their emotional side, who do what they are asked to do, and who apologize for their wrongs. Sis dolly overdo it. He can climb mouth Everest for you, but expects you to show appreciation for his efforts, because if you don’t he will start to cry, apologize for not being the man you deserve, promise to do things right next time. He often makes reference to his upbringing for not being good enough. His sobbing   can last for a week. He is a great guy if you are prepared to be a mother.

5.    Crumbs                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Just like bread crumbs they scatter everywhere. You find them in all the parties, they drive a Citi golf, wears a Levi’s jean and Carvella shoes. Just like the scrubs they believe they are Casanovas. Their goal is to hunt. Always at clubs and parties just to find that one girl they going to Babz later. Obsessed with their image. Spend their entire pay on booze and girls. They don’t want to grow up. Love to look fly by flaunting Sky vodka and Siroc bottles. Most of them possess a business administration one year certificate at some college, but claim to have studied at Monash.

by: Alexandria